Monday, July 28, 2008

TEENS!!! How I Loathe your 1334 skillz

Well Weaksausingtons... I did it, I dipped my toe back into the poisoned waters of online ranked matches, And How did I do... well to explain how i did I must first explain "kill / death" ratio. It is not complicated but I know how your pea brains find it complicated to wrap your minds around teh ol' hal0z, so I'll speak slowly. Kill/death ratio is how I measure my skills in halo.

 Really good players generally have an overall k/d of +3 or +4. witch means for all the games they have played they average 3 killz to every one death they have (or if they're +4 they average 4 kills for every death). At my Peak  was more or less a +2 which isn't to shabby. At this point my average has dipped down to a +1.1 - not great. 

So how did I do against the teens? well, I played 4 matches of team slayer.... 

k/d ratio?  -3. So yeah

Did I get ass raped? no, What a negative 3 k/d means is that for every time I died I got one kill in, except for 3 times, in which i got killed without taking any livez. Overall this is what was to be expected, but now that my toe is firmly in the teen infested waters I will continue on trying to dominate. Put my skillz in your heart dear weaksaucers I am gonna need the power of my fans to propel me along these torrid waters.

TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENS!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The DEVIL named Teen.


Alright, I have been negligent, I have been dick, and I have been lazy.

At this point, is there even any weaksaucers left? have you ages ago given up hope for a update, mixed poison into your sanka and then drank it? Is that what happened? you all dead? Well I hope not cause have I got a post for you.

Heres the thing. My skillz? they have degraded into skills... WITH AN "S". Thats right weak saucers I am no longer the asskicking powerhouse that you all worshiped. I have become feeble, indeed the old adage "you use it or lose it" is decidedly true. Why have I come out of hiding you ask? why do you stand in front of us naked, holding the truth? Well, I'll tell you. Me and Joel have been battling, and of course I have been womping him mercilessly. But then joel says, "i have this nephew, and he wants to play us. But the thing is... he's good, real good. and the worse part about it.... he's a TEEN!!!!"

A teen.

I hate all teens, all they do all day is play halo. they have young spongy minds, and lightning reflexes. I cant let this kid stomp me. I WONT let this kid stomp me. This is what I must do... go back to ranked matches, throw myself to the 13 year olds. hone my skills to razor point skillz . It must be done. and you fair weaksaucers will be privy to my progress. I will show you my ups and downs. the teabags, and my pwnage. Hopefully... with a little luck and allot of practice, I will crush joels TEEN nephew under my powerful heel.

expect updates soon

Monday, May 19, 2008

Joel is teh Nubsauce!


Hey babies I know, i know. you haven't seen a post in a while, but pretty babies, I didn't mean it... I mean, I didn't post cause well, I just love you so much babies! I would never not post... its just that, well, you make me so angry! and I just cant control it! then I go and not post, if only you didn't make me so angry! All right all right. we get it, I'm like a abusive husband who cant control his beating habits. Hilarious.

Now for BREAKING NEWS.

The screenshot you see is not a fake. that is indeed joel poking his massive head into the scary world of console gaming, and the even more frightening world of online co-op. For you lamer weaksaucers who dont know what that means let me explain, Co-op play is when both you and another person play through the single player campaign of game side by side. 

Essentially it means Joel can watch my amazing skillz and killz as there happening! What a lucky guy he is! I mean, terry gets to see then as well but my stompings are so swift that he never gets to truly appreciate them. Joel on the other hand gets the full benefit of my awsome talents in the form of protection. As the aliens and menaces surround him like a dark storm cloud Joel can look up to see a beaming light cut through his terror. It is I, Jon, cutting down swathes of enemies making sure not a scratch lands upon Joels fearful brow. And as I walk him down the dark paths Joel with become stronger! more fierce! And as he watches me slay enemies his skills will turn viciously into SKILLZ! And when that day comes... We will battle!!!! Yes, that is the reason for the co-op! I am to take joel through the game so that he can hone his abilities to match my own.

Game on Joel. Soak up my teachings! I look forward to the student surpassing the master.

as for you beautiful fans, you will see the carnage that me and joel produce together until Joel deems his powers are strong enough for the deathmatch arena.

stay tuned!


Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Behold! New Meat for the slaughter!

Alright weaksaucers all across the interwebs... Meet Joel! Amazing, possibly. About to get pwned, most definitely. He is a brave brave man who by a stroke of the tax gods has acquired a 360... What does that mean to my loyal subjects? Well for one my little children. Perhaps you'll get some sweet sweet carnage of this guy. also, if we're all really lucky perhaps we can even get him to guest write on this excellent groundbreaking blog!

Fingers crossed guys... hopefully he brings the pain!

OMG! Amassing Asians!!!

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Holy Crap! Check this video out! Its awesome! I have said it before and I'll say it again, asians are a strange and wonderful people!
I like that there are official crowd smooshers. Granted this is probably pretty shitty for the commuters (nyc subways dont get nearly as crowded and it still blows) But for us weaksaucers chillin on the interpipes it is a minute or two of pure delight!

Enjoy the poor city planning!

Grand Theft Cream in my Jeans

Ok cool dudes and dudettes... No halo in the last week and whatnot. And at the moment thats cool, I just got GTA4 and it is blowin minds over at OMG headquarters. It is the hotness and if it were up to me each and every one of you would come to weaksauce fortress and be forced to watch me play through all 40+ hours of the story... with no bathroom breaks, it would make it that much more intense!

-Peace out.

also- did you know that pop songs from the eastern block can be very catchy?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Dan Gold is a Delight! Watch his beautiful Cinema!

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A wunderkind by the name of Dan Gold has graced our eyes and ears with one of those "moving pictures" that seem to be all the rage with the cool kids these days. Give it a watch... Soak in the warm soapy bath of situational comedy that is "Hitler goes to Northeastern"... you wont be disapointed

Its a moving picture... and i think I like it!

MMH - Friday edition

Hey friends and neighbors! here's a taste, a morsel if you will of all the awesome I spew on terry when ever he swings by and challenges me. It's sad you know... You poor sensitive souls only get to see mere stills of the raw carnage that appears in halo3 battles. Tragic. A picture of a fierce teabaging doesn't even come close to actually seeing the unadulterated shame of a full on slow motion replay. If only I had the ability to capture those precious moments for all ya'll... well maybe when halo 4 comes out in another 5 years. That should give all my suicidal fans something to hold on for a while. Buck up little pups! it'll be alright!

alright, I am out. catch all ya'll on the flip side.

also... perhaps I post a shot of me getting pwnd by the 13year old I mentioned in that last post  in the next couple days, if only to show ya'll that your magnificent leader is only 99.9% amazingly perfect.

-PEACE!

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Hear the Good News

It has risen! Yes weaksaucers, my 360 is back from the dead, rolled out of the microsoft repair center and back in my entertainment unit. I have been enjoying the fruits of their underpaid labor for a week. Delicious! On a sad note I have noticed that my skillz with a Z have been weakened by all the halo playing I haven't been doing. I went online the other day and got my ass swiftly handed to me by one of those fancy 13 year olds, you know, the ones with those nubile fresh reflexes that a 26 year old can only dream about. All this to say, Terry should swing by soon and challenge me, what with mah skillz being at an all time low!

Some good news it that I downloaded 3 new maps for battle so you weaksaucers will be seeing an icy change in scenery. 

peace out you beautiful, bountiful baby boys!

Monday, April 7, 2008

MMH - Can anyone help this man?

Jump back! Its monday and we all know what that generally means.... Terry getting shot in the nutz... the Head Nutz!
Today we have him thinkin he safe, walkin along, and then like a swift wind my awesomeness swoops in and pops is cherry... his Head Cherry! 

thats all for today, peace out little baby men.

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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Assplosion Imminent

Hello My lovable little pocket monsters,

Lets look at terry, he is just standing there... standing there assploding. Why on earth would he do that? Doesn't he know that one of the points of battle is not to get spike grenades stuck to your codpeice? Doesn't he know that entering a battle with me (what with my mad skillz with a Z) is literally the definition of suicide in most dictionaries? you can look that one up, seriously, do it. If your dictionary doesn't have that definition for suicide then its probably gay, and its probably gay with YOU.

On a non halo note, Grand Theft Auto 4 is coming out soon and if I dont have my 360 back from the shop before it comes out you shall all bear witness to massive pwning of microsoft employees on a global scale. I shall brutalize them with my beefy man cannon! I will punch them in the ear! I will kick them in the nutz! All this and more, just because GTA4 looks so bad ass.

My suggestion to you dear weaksaucers is that you all get 360's and play that game when it comes out. you just wont stop creaming your jeans. seriously.

MMH - Lying down on the job Edition

Hello again all you raving fans of my awesome blog and general awesomeness. So today we have terry getting face raped while being ejected out of a gravity cannon. he was trying to get away but i gave him the long dong of the law straight to his cranium. 

With my 360 infirmed we're going to have to subsist on meager leftovers from past games, but thats ok, I know my fan are strong like bull! I bet if I took my fans and had them fight sharks with deathpowered death beams mounted to their chests we would be having death powered sushi for dinner, with a side of miso soup.... Death powered miso soup!

anyway I am bored of this entry. fuck all ya'll.

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Son of a Bitch!

Guess what those three red lights mean? well, they mean the same thing they meant the first time they showed up 2 years ago and had to send the console back to microsoft for repairs. My xbox is broken. bull shit!

should be back within a month and a half. Until then.... Bullshit!

MMH - Late, and I still owe ya'll one Edition

Hello dudes and dudettes, yes yes, I'm an asshole, look me, the big douche. I get it, I have been uber tardy on my postings. I'll try to be better. One thing thats a problem is terry has been away, rocking the east coast with his music stylings, so we haven't been able to battle, therefore no fresh kills. 

Did you know that "fresh kills" is an actual location? It's in staten island, they have a big landfill there. Although hows a guys supposed to tell where the landfill ends and staten island begins? HA! Staten Island is a shitty pit from hell, only losers live there. what a bunch of dicks. If you took all the people of staten island and made them all battle against me all at once I could beat them all within about 5 minutes.

But I digress...

In other news, Joel is finally back in the city. Hello and welcome back Joel. perhaps with some coercion we'll get some sweet picts of me and you battling for supremacy? 

Dont answer yet... think about it.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

MMH! - NUB EDITION

WHAT UP WEAKSAUCERS!

So I am finally feeling better. The cold was a fierce and quality opponent, striking me down like a little nub for many days. He tried to best me throughout last weak, throwing grenades,  and blind firing at me from the inner depths of my chest.  For a while I thought I was gonna lose the game... But then all i had to do was visualize the chest congestion as a green slimy shimmering Terry, sitting there teabagging my lungs. Once I did that I bested the cold with swift vitamin c justice and powerful 1 -2 punches of chicken soup.

Stupid common cold terry didn't stand a chance!

anyway, here is your headshot... lookit terry, he's getting shot in the head.

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Friday, March 7, 2008

fuck all ya'll... straight up!


hey guys, i haven't blogged all week cause I feel like dog shit. me and my beautiful blushing bride have been sick as the day is long. I got a bad case of the bads in my stomach. i think we can all agree that nobody wants a case of the bads "down there". and i aint talking about the ol' tree trunk. 
anyway, i was gonna tell you to forgive me for not posting  but now I am not, I was sick and you can all bite my bag. YOU guys weren't sick, YOU guys didn't puke up a fancy dinner, all you people did was sit on you healthy ass's and probably sent me bad sick vibes with your minds. I do so much for you guys! and its your fault I am sick. in fact you people should be making blogs for me! 
anyway, i am tired. stop tryin to get me sick!

Monday, March 3, 2008

MMH - go go gadget FIST!

Is it technically a head shot if its a fist doing the damage? I say yes!  Today you get to witness terry actually die from one of my mighty fists to the face! lookit all the blood getting whomped from his headpiece! Poor terry, now he will be unable to get ladies cause of his after-punch ugliness.  HA!

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

This Just In: Terry puss's out again!

Hey Sportsfans, Well I got some bad news... Once again terry has turned tail and ran from his weekly trouncing. I just dont understand why he feels the need to promise me blood only to, hours before battle, pull the carpet out from under me. Doesn't he know that this hurts me, hurts me so strong?!?

Anyway last time he shattered my feelings I photoshopped him on a chicken with the promise that if he manned up I would photoshop him on a more respectable animal. But, since he continues to present me with maximum fail I have decided to photoshop him onto a geo duck. It is a mollusk  that looks like a colossal dong.

Every time terry decides to destroy all of my emotions with insensitivity I will photoshop him onto a lowlier animal. This is my promise to you, my faithful constituents, I wont let you down.

- courage

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Poor Mr. Arbuckle

I've never linked to a websight of someone I didn't know here at the weaksauce but this was to good to not pass on to all my loyal subjects. Who would have thought that just removing garfield from jons life would make him sound so very depressed and insane.
click here for more of sad jon arbuckle. 

"garfield" is actually far more awesome without garfield present.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

MMH - SQUAT!

hey guys, I'M BACK!  Word to the wise... Don't go on a cruise, they be lamesauce! anyway here's all ya'lls headshot. I am squatting on terry which means extra shame being heaped on him.

there's a battle tonight, I'll give you an update tomorrow on the post game carnage.

peace!

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Preemptive MMH - Cruise Edition

hey guys, you get your headshot a little early cause of the cruise. here's terry, once again getting shot in the face. look at the awkward stance he's in though... when I look at it I just assume the last thing he said was "Hurk!" is that just me?  what do YOU think terry's saying?

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Bon-Voyage



what up dudettes, I am going to be on a cruise all next week so your not gonna get much (read: any) weaksauce in you stocking. Sorry about that. You see, because of all the maximum win I am expected to produce on a day to day basis I get all tense. The tenser I get the less win I can produce, hence the cruise. Perhaps terry should take a cruise? How bout that? Do you all think it could provide him with enough sun and surf to start producing carnage to rival mine?... yeah I don't think so either.

anyway, you'll see more weaksauce soon enough. dont get scared

... courage.

Monday, February 11, 2008

MMH - High Up Edition

Ahh... another monday, and with it another headshot. I am not sure if terry even knew what happened to himself in this one. one minute he was chillin, the next, he was a cold dead turd. 

hurumph.

now i will say something I have been saying for the last couple of days... "my kingdom for a horse!"

peace out friends and neighbors.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Surprise Surprise! Terrys shame for the day!

what up bitches? here's wishin all'yall a very big TGIF. I'll let you start your weekend decompression with this freshest of the fresh Battle Shot of me taking a mini-gun to terrys freshly Pwned  meat sack. I have no doubt that I demoralized him by doing this... Which is awesome.

now go out there and get some sweet weekend-on-friend action!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

New Battle Pics

Check it folks... I snuck up behind terry while he was manning the gattling gun. I wuz all like " step the fuk down bitch!" then I fucking punched his dome. Then he was all like " omg! holy shit! ", and then he died.

over all a good battle. two games, two maps, around 50 killz and skillz by me and 15, far between but excellent, killz by mr ohiowarmusic himself. As the days go by I'll get to posting more picts. There this one where it's my tank vs terrys plane. Who wins? we may never know... actually its me! i fuckin stomped him.

peace lovers!

Monday, February 4, 2008

MMH- Not all headshots come from bullets

the spiker shoots rebar... i shot terry with the spiker... now terry has tons of rebar in him. note the piece in his nut, hence the MMH today.

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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Feel My Photoshop Wrath Terry!!!

Well... I suppose it was gonna happen eventually... a picture of terrys head on a chicken. Now perhaps if terry battles me soon and does a respectable job of defending himself I will photoshop his head on a more awesome animal... Like a shark lion.


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This Just in! Terry's Yellow!



hay darling friends of mine. read the email above to see who's a douche. illiterate or lazy? well then I'll just tell you... Terry. Terry is the douche. Why are you so scared to battle me terry? why must you be so very terrified of battle that you would rather hang out at your job and do hard back breaking labor? I think terry is a chicken. There, I said it. Chicken. 

know what terry is?... yellow.

at least he knows what is coming to him... SHAME, Blog style.

Monday, January 28, 2008

News!


Some News for Today:
me and terry should be picking up the gauntlet tomorrow night so new carnage on new levels will be the order of the day.

In other news:
I hung out with a dude I like to call "MAN MOUNTAIN" the other day, he told me that my blog was the best creation ever, he said he would do anything to get up on my blog, he said that he would touch me inappropriately to get on my blog. anyways, so I says to him, "you want to be on my blog... draw me an awesome picture of me pwning terry. if you want to see the Mountains illustrative skills go here once at his site you will see many things... including well rendered titties.

In a related story:
My good friend DAVE GOLD just dipped his toe into the wonderful world of blogging his way to fame an fortune. His blog is still sparse cause I just set it up this morning, but check it out often cause he promised to populated it with all sorts of delicious tidbits from his quivering rapidographs. The name of his site is good, it is DAVIDGOLDDOTCOM.COM, and you can get to it by clicking here

anyway, i got to work now, peace out.

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MMH - A New Classic


Hey all my wonderful subjects! today you get a headshot that is totally bad ass! his shields were completely down when I womped him so the bullet going through his dome piece is not obscured by the weird glowyness of shields failing... but I digress,

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Friday, January 25, 2008

i hurt inside.


hello all my beautiful, bouncing children. so it has been asked if terry gets any sweet killz. well yes, yes he does. the are like small shining stars in our battles. I feel as though it must feel like biting into a juicy steak after a year of eating nothing but bland lined paper, and in that way I am truly jealous, i really am children. I mean for me eating delicious steak every day is fantastic but how can I truly appreciate it when I am such a pwnage machine?

i leave you with this wonderful poem that sums up my pain.

you take the good, you take the bad, you take them booth and there you have, the facts of life, the facts of life
-unknown


Thursday, January 24, 2008

holy shit! I'm a neglectful blogger.

oh hay guys.. sorry for neglecting you for so many days.... I realize that for most of you that this is the only bright spot in your gray lives. I realize that i have a responsibility to you, seeing that you'd all probably reach for the sleeping pills upon not seeing spectacular pwnage on a regular basis. I will try not to let it happen again... but it might. be strong.

oh yeah... you hear heath ledger died? weird right? do you think its a coincidence that he died during the lull in my posting? Cause i dont.

I wonder what its like to be constantly pwned?

this post goes out to joel. cause he just loooovvvees watchin terry get blowed up. In this masterfully framed shot terry didn't realize that he shouldn't man a stationary turret when there are four deadly fuel cells just waiting to explode directly to his rear.

mmh - wicked belated edition

hmmm, I think I'll walk through this door. awwwwgh! crap! BLAM!

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

A picture that describes last nights battle

Valiant attempt by terry last night to try and get him some sweet sweet MMH action, unfortunately for him he just doesn't have the ridiculous skills that King Awesome Jon has.  I dominated.  just as I do against all foes. I turn foolz into baby food.

CHAKKA KHAN!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Battle update... also: OMG! MAH NUTZ!


Hey everyone, just givin ya'll the update. terry and me are indeed battling tonight at 7:00 he promises to be a man and not a chicken ... we'll see about that.
also see the above picture of the new mac laptop... its thinner then a pencil. and so powerfully awesome that if you listened carefully around 1:30 when it was announced... you could he the shameful trouser explosions of nerds worldwide. 
-peace!

Monday, January 14, 2008

MMH- SPEEDING TICKET EDITION

Ha! terry was all like "he cant hit me if I am cruising by at top speed like some awesome madman." and I'm all like " I like his sweet ride, I'z gonna take it. ka-blam". Then I just wiped the blood off the seat and went cruising for hot ladies.

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Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Terry is a frightened squirrel

I am just going to say it... I am mad at terry, he pussed out on our epic battle last night and said he was "under the weather"  NONSENSE!

Anyway, because I am so incredibly furious at him, I am posting a pict that I was not going to post. I felt it was far to humiliating, But now he has given me no choice. I feel the picture is self explanatory.

So now I call to terry! Do the right thing! Fight me like a man!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

I am the anti-Exzibit

Joel has made it quite clear that not putting mindblowing captions on my pictures is simple unacceptable... I apologize.

It this installment terry was attempting to flee the scene in a warthog, he couldn't stand the heat in the kitchen. fortunately for him I doggy-bagged him up a fresh helping of spartan laser. he didn't go hungry in that match.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Monday Morning Headshot - i am too tired to be clever edition

oh hai guys and gals. i slept like crap last night... total weaksauce. heres your carnage for the day.
Me and terry are battling tomorrow on the big tv, so expect some new awesomely deadly screenshot in the days to come.

peace out

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Thursday, January 3, 2008

Give it up for Terry.

yeah yeah yeah, so terry ransacked my killing spree with a guass cannon. he deserved that kill... I'm awesome enough to admit that. Note the grenade stuck to the side of the warthog, it was a parting gift. 

Speaking of gifts... I will now officially give a delicious shout out: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY, TERRY!
You better bring your "A" game to bowling. I plan on pwning you verily on the lanes. prepare to have cake with a side of weaksauce.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Da BOMB <-- crappy name for post

this was awsome. he wuz all like " i'm gonna run you over" and I was all like "how bout instead I take a spike grenade and explode it all over your face while your driving through a bubble shield?" and then he was all like "wah..?!?, kaboom!"

ha!

Monday, December 31, 2007

MMH - didn't see it comin edition


Hey Everybody, I am back in the saddle after a looong christmas vacation. I am sure your all chomping at the bit for your fix of terry shame so here it is!

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